| thoughts of Emmye Rowell |
Oh gosh… I know this is the day every year that people reflect and write their thoughts about the year, what they want to do different, new year resolutions, all the good and crappy things that happened during the year. But honestly, I’ve never done that. Never felt the need to write a book about the year past, on how I want things to change – not that I’ve never wanted things to change or never made new year’s resolutions, because don’t get me wrong, I have. But this is different…
I don’t write… At least I tell myself I’m not a writer. I tell myself that no one will read what I put out, or I’m my own worst enemy and compare myself to the writers around me. Then insecurity overwhelms me, and I don’t do a thing. But that’s not true at all, no matter what insecurities there are! Everyone is a writer in my opinion, everyone has thoughts, thoughts that are worth writing about, whether or not people read them or they keep it to themselves. I think writing helps the mind process the craziness that floats around in it. The overthinking. The overflow of randomness that’s in there. Journaling is what I do when I’m overwhelmed, when I can’t think due to the over thinking that is happening in this thing, I call a brain.
So here are some of my thoughts. Thoughts that came as I woke up this morning, and thoughts that came as I sat, drank some coffee, watching that rain come down. Waking up with the words of my very very very wise daddy, “if nothing changes, nothing changes” That’s me. I can only control myself. I can only control what I do, what I think, what I do with the things that God gave me. So, what then… what am I going to do with myself, my thoughts, my things. First, I have to stop and think, who am I? A daughter. A dancer. A barista. NEGATIVE! Those are things that I do… Who am I? I am Emmye Rashell Rowell, the daughter of my sweet sweet Papa Daddy, my Jesus. (Some of you might be judging me right now for how I describe my Jesus, but He’s personal to me. Not just the one who died, but He’s the one who sits on my couch with me, the one who lets me lay on his chest and hear his heartbeat when I’m anxious or broken, He whispers to me and wraps His cozy blanket of peace around me. He is my Abba, which is just a churchy word for Papa Daddy… it’s personal!)
Second, where are my thoughts? If you had a machine that would transport you into someone’s brain, and you were brave enough to step into mine, I could bet money that you would only last about 3 seconds! There’s a lot that goes on in there… and most of the time I let those thoughts take over and they spiral. There is an enemy that does his best work in isolation. And he has tried pretty hard this year to beat me down, tell me the things wrong with me. Let me answer that for you… Nothing is wrong with me. And nothing is wrong with you either!! Do you hear me?! NOTHING! So, get that out of your brain!
The bible says “to take every thought captive” so that means I have the power to control how and what I think about! I have the authority to speak to that enemy and he will start running. I have the authority to speak my Jesus’ name and he backs off. I just have to remind him that he lost already, I am not his property, my mind is not his playground! I have the authority to tell him where to go & where to stay. All I have to do is choose. I must choose to not sit in the pity pit mindset, the poor me “I’m lonely” mindset and speak it out!
Loneliness often disguises itself as depression – before you throw rocks at me, I totally agree that loneliness can lead to depression, but for me, in my situation, it was a disguise. I sit on the couch watching Netflix and thinking how lonely and sad I am… In all reality, I just forget who has been sitting with me on the couch in that secret place, and who sits on the couch with me even when I’m binge-watching Netflix. He doesn’t leave when I shut my bible or say Amen. He doesn’t leave when someone walks in the room and interrupts my journaling! He is here! He is here ALWAYS! And He is there, with you, ALWAYS!
I’ve learned recently that when the loneliness starts to distract me from what Jesus is really doing, I just need to turn off the tv, put on my Jesus music and worship my Jesus. The atmosphere changes, the thoughts change from me & my situation to how good my father is, how good is plan is, and how He doesn’t do anything that isn’t good! I mean sure when I screw up, make mistakes, I must live with the consequences, but He didn’t throw me in the crap and leave me there. I live, I screw up, I learn, and I get through it with Him right there the entire time. He is good, ALWAYS!
“If nothing changes, nothing changes.”
So, what am I going to change? The first thing that comes to mind is to wake up and make my Jesus time, just as critical as making a pot of coffee. If you know me at all, you know, I never go a day without drinking some coffee (it’s not even a cup of coffee, it’s way more than that… I’m addicted!) So, step one for me is having that coffee date with my Jesus every morning. I call it a date because I want it to become more intimate than it has been. I want to move from a chore to a love letter. I want to desire that time. I want to feel like I’m missing something when I go without it. If you’ve dated at all, I’m sure you’ve been on at least one date that the person you are with only talks about themselves, what they’ve done, gone through, and doesn’t let you speak at all… and if you haven’t let me tell you… it sucks! So, during this daily date with Jesus, I don’t want to be that person that talks all the time, and once I’m done, I get up and it’s over. My morning dates will have conversation. That means talking AND listening! And that my friend, is my goal! A date, every morning!
Another goal – turn off the tv once in a while. Having my own place, I have to have music or tv on all the time. Most of the time I chose the tv over any other noise. But now I’m going to choose to worship my Jesus and maybe write a little more instead of always submerging myself in a show.
“If nothing changes, nothing changes” This is my first step of change. Looking at the big picture, the overwhelmingly huge picture that needs to happen, that needs to change is just that, overwhelming. Once you are overwhelmed, anxiety sets in, and then “it’s too big to do anything about it” so you do nothing. I say “you” but honestly, that’s me 100%! So, instead of that, take a step. Don’t look at the huge craziness that needs to change. Look at what only you can control, and change that! Change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process. So, just start the process, or continue the process. I encourage you to make 2 steps. Just two! That’s it. Once that becomes part of your DNA, make a couple more. I’m not saying I have accomplished this, because that would be a lie. These are just my thoughts, and I have a feeling that if I change a few things that I can control, and you do the same, things will start changing around us! It’s not going to be a walk in the park, or a piece of cake, or whatever phrase you want to use, but I just have to remember who’s on the couch with me, who my coffee date is every morning. My Papa Daddy. My Jesus! Because He is there, ALWAYS!